Many of us (myself included) like to use new calendar years or religious observances to flex and test our willpower. It might seem silly that we need a special season to make changes in our lives that we've previously contemplated and not undertaken. But the fact that we're willing to try at all should be applauded.
There are a few tried and true ways of handling problems that everyone uses to differing degrees: Avoid the problem, Extreme measures, and Incremental goal pursuit. (This isn't an exhaustive list, just some of the most common.) Each strategy has its benefits and its downfalls. Avoiding means you don't have to deal with a problem, now. But if it is a persistent stress or downfall, chances are ignoring it won't make it go away. Extreme measures work well for people who are highly motivated and willing to sacrifice comfort in the name of results. However, many of us regular Joes burn out after going to "the extreme" for too long. Incremental goal pursuit builds slowly and steadily toward a desired end. Some people may not have the patience to endure a slow change in this fashion.
The important thing is knowing how you are most likely to change. And if this change is meant for a lifetime rather than 40 days, it is important to know how you are going to maintain the change. Change in relationships is doubly difficult because there are two people who will experience that change and two people who will affect its speed, trajectory, and permanence. Perhaps then best understanding how you are most likely to change and how your partner is most likely to change is the first step.
Then comes the eternal battle between motivation and excuses. Motivation is born of discomfort. If you become dissatisfied enough, your motivation for change will skyrocket. Excuses are clever ways of getting ourselves off the hook for failing to take the steps needed for change. Sometimes motivation is hard to find because while you may not be happy now, the possible heartache, pain, or exhaustion that could possibly result from actually putting forth effort seem quite daunting. The discomfort you know seems better than the discomfort you don't.
Then sometimes the discomfort you don't know is motivation enough. You hear about a friend's car accident from looking down at her phone while driving and decide that texts can wait until the car's off. A couple you've known forever breaks up after no visible signs of distress and you begin to evaluate your contribution your own relationship. Your aunt is diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and you take a walk around the block. It would be a wonderful world if we never had to learn from mistakes, but since that isn't the world we live in, we can be grateful that we still have opportunities to change.
But sometimes the change we need isn't 40 days without chocolate. Sometimes we look at our lives and don't realize how we got where we are, and we don't much like it. Sometimes we find that the most important person in the world to us is also the one who makes us feel terrible. Our discomfort crosses a threshold from bearable to punishing. Then it's time for a change. A life or relationship change of this order is not lightly undertaken. The help of a therapist can be crucial during these transition periods. Or better yet, why not use a therapist's expertise before the problem is overwhelming? Perhaps if a problem is addressed before it's an "issue," it won't require as monumental an effort to change. If extreme is your style, don't wait until you're "extremely" pissed off to attempt to change. Try a more incremental approach, handling small and medium sized problems one at a time. Because chances are, no matter how long you avoid it, the problem will still be waiting for you.
