Back to School!

As the new school year kicks off, an opportunity arises to create new goals and routines for the whole family, conveying your parental expectations and deepening your family connection.

Goals are actionable, achievable, and specific: If your child was a “C” student last year, “getting 100% on every assignment” is probably too big of a leap to expect. Instead, work with your child to set a reasonable goal that they are invested in achieving. Something like “turning in every assignment complete” or “improving grades in 3 subjects this semester” will point toward more specific actions your child can take to achieve the goal.

Routines are self-reinforcing activities that happen regularly (every day or week). If it takes asking your child 5 times to get off the video game before he comes to supper, that is the routine that is established in your household. Creating new routines is hard, especially when it involves the impulsivity and self-focus of kids. However, if parents can be firm and creative in establishing “how things go” day-to-day, healthier, more efficient routines can emerge. It takes 21 days to establish a new habit- Don’t give up!

Expectations are how you convey to your kids what you want them to do and how you want them to behave. Be clear and positive when conveying expectations. Instead of “don’t goof off in class,” try “I want you to pay attention when the teacher is talking.” Instead of “don’t sit in front of the TV so much,” try “I want you to finish your homework and play outside before supper.” If kids are told exactly what you want them to do, there’s less ammo for whining and hair-splitting arguments about behavior.

Connection is the mutual love and support showed by a family. Staying connected to your kids through daily conversations about their life will assure them that you care about their day-to-day choices and feelings. According to the Adolescent Substance Abuse Knowledge Base, parental involvement is associated with lower rates of teen drug use. Connection will also encourage open communication from all family members. Perhaps if your kid has a question about how to act or what to do, she will turn to you instead of a peer as a result of a family connection.

As your family decides how they want this school year to go, keep in mind these 3 steps for intentionality:

1. Plan for things rather than reacting to them.
2. If you don’t like something, fix it right away.
3. If after a concerted effort you can’t fix it, seek help.

Happy Back-to-School!

In-Laws: Can't live with 'em; can't live without 'em

Maybe the reason shows like this are so popular is that most of us can relate, on some level, to the level of angst caused by close contact with the in-laws. Let's face it: most of us weren't hoping to gain a circle of overbearing, annoying, or strange new family members when we got married. But because every family is different, even the most well-matched in-laws can be difficult to love at times. This can be stressful, and can cause tension in your relationship with your spouse. Here are a few tips to help you keep sane during your next family reunion or get-together this summer:

--Take potentially offensive comments with a grain of salt. If something hurtful is said, try giving your in-laws the benefit of the doubt. For example, a woman who feels hurt by the constant slew of parenting advice from her mother-in-law might say something like, "That's a good idea. I'll take that into consideration."

--Try to focus first on the relationship you have with your spouse. The two of you should be a team, and you should be able to discuss your needs with each other. One partner may need some time to be away from the extended family for a few hours during the family vacation. Talking about those needs together and trying to understand the other person can go a long way.

--If your in-laws are repeatedly doing something that is hurtful to you, perhaps you should consider addressing it directly with them. Discuss this with your spouse, and devise a plan to do this together.

--Keep a perspective on who these people are. If nothing else, you can be grateful for the positive things your spouse has inherited from them. You might try treating them the way you would like your spouse to treat your parents.

Try putting some of these tips into practice next time you are with your in-laws. We hope you are having a great summer!

--Cammie