Don’t forget to take care of YOU!

People often seek marriage / family therapy because there is something troubling them about their current relationship situation. Whether it is an unfaithful partner, a willful child, or intrusive in-laws (or ALL of the above), one thing is certain: it hurts us. All of these situations count as stressors. What happens when we get stressed out? We get sick! Numerous studies have pointed toward a link between relationship quality and physical health. But how is this possible?

One way that this happens is through the continual activation of our body’s stress-response system – namely, the HPA (Hypothalamic-Pituitary Adrenal) Axis. The HPA Axis is what regulates the release of the hormone cortisol. Cortisol helps mobilize energy in the body for a situation that may be challenging. This sounds like a good thing, right? One casualty during this process, however, is the immune system. When the HPA Axis is chronically in overdrive due to the amount of stress we experience, our immune system becomes chronically suppressed. Low immune system, more sickness.

So, what do we do about this? Certainly, seeking family therapy is definitely one helpful component in reducing stress. However, it might be easy to forget that it is just as necessary to take care of our own bodies during this process. Stress is not just psychological – it is physiological, too. Therefore, we need to take care to ensure that our bodies are not falling to pieces when we get stressed out. Take a walk. Instead of the donut at breakfast, take the banana. Get a massage after work (or on your lunch break!) – research suggests that massages can help reduce cortisol levels.

All in all, don’t forget that whatever relationship problem you might be experiencing, you’re always doing yourself a favor by giving yourself some special care.

What Does Every Person Need?

By: Allen  

 

Just as we need food, water, and shelter to survive, people need to be connected to other people. Did you know that orphans in Romania have died from a lack of human interaction and connection even after being given food and water sufficient to survive? Did you know that people will die if left all alone? Luckily, very few people in the world are completely alone. But many people do suffer from loneliness. Perhaps because loneliness can occur even when people are physically close by. And it seems odd that with the rise and popularity of social media, that people would seem to feel more connected than ever before. However, receiving a text or a wall post doesn’t quite feel the same as talking with a good friend face to face.

Loneliness is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. It makes people more prone to both sickness and suicide. Loneliness can be felt in a close relationship if one person doesn’t feel understood. Loneliness can be felt by a “popular” kid at school. It can be felt by an older adult who doesn’t feel appreciated for all they contributed to the world. Loneliness is unfortunately rampant all around us, probably more so than one might imagine because people do not like to admit that they feel lonely. Or they may not even realize it as they try to find easy replacements (e.g., video games, drugs).

So, then what are the most important things people can do for other people? First, be there. And listen. Second, recognize what people are going through. Think to yourself, “What is this person experiencing?” Be empathic. If you were in their place, what might you be feeling or thinking? And third, tell them. This will allow people to feel connected and avoid loneliness.

What about this idea for parents? Parents, instead of telling children that they shouldn’t be sad or hurt or tired, say something like “I bet it’s really hard when your brother calls you a bad name. That would make me sad too.” That way, your child will feel that you really care about them and will be more willing to listen to corrective guidance when it is needed.

To feel connected to others. This is what every person needs.

This year for Lent...

Many of us (myself included) like to use new calendar years or religious observances to flex and test our willpower. It might seem silly that we need a special season to make changes in our lives that we've previously contemplated and not undertaken. But the fact that we're willing to try at all should be applauded.

There are a few tried and true ways of handling problems that everyone uses to differing degrees: Avoid the problem, Extreme measures, and Incremental goal pursuit. (This isn't an exhaustive list, just some of the most common.) Each strategy has its benefits and its downfalls. Avoiding means you don't have to deal with a problem, now. But if it is a persistent stress or downfall, chances are ignoring it won't make it go away. Extreme measures work well for people who are highly motivated and willing to sacrifice comfort in the name of results. However, many of us regular Joes burn out after going to "the extreme" for too long. Incremental goal pursuit builds slowly and steadily toward a desired end. Some people may not have the patience to endure a slow change in this fashion.

The important thing is knowing how you are most likely to change. And if this change is meant for a lifetime rather than 40 days, it is important to know how you are going to maintain the change. Change in relationships is doubly difficult because there are two people who will experience that change and two people who will affect its speed, trajectory, and permanence. Perhaps then best understanding how you are most likely to change and how your partner is most likely to change is the first step.

Then comes the eternal battle between motivation and excuses. Motivation is born of discomfort. If you become dissatisfied enough, your motivation for change will skyrocket. Excuses are clever ways of getting ourselves off the hook for failing to take the steps needed for change. Sometimes motivation is hard to find because while you may not be happy now, the possible heartache, pain, or exhaustion that could possibly result from actually putting forth effort seem quite daunting. The discomfort you know seems better than the discomfort you don't.

Then sometimes the discomfort you don't know is motivation enough. You hear about a friend's car accident from looking down at her phone while driving and decide that texts can wait until the car's off. A couple you've known forever breaks up after no visible signs of distress and you begin to evaluate your contribution your own relationship. Your aunt is diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and you take a walk around the block. It would be a wonderful world if we never had to learn from mistakes, but since that isn't the world we live in, we can be grateful that we still have opportunities to change.

But sometimes the change we need isn't 40 days without chocolate. Sometimes we look at our lives and don't realize how we got where we are, and we don't much like it. Sometimes we find that the most important person in the world to us is also the one who makes us feel terrible. Our discomfort crosses a threshold from bearable to punishing. Then it's time for a change. A life or relationship change of this order is not lightly undertaken. The help of a therapist can be crucial during these transition periods. Or better yet, why not use a therapist's expertise before the problem is overwhelming? Perhaps if a problem is addressed before it's an "issue," it won't require as monumental an effort to change. If extreme is your style, don't wait until you're "extremely" pissed off to attempt to change. Try a more incremental approach, handling small and medium sized problems one at a time. Because chances are, no matter how long you avoid it, the problem will still be waiting for you.

Bullying Podcast

Bullying has been the subject of much interest due to national news coverage. Many parents feel unsure of how to best help their children cope with this problem. Check out this podcast by Auburn University researcher, Stephen Erath.

Podcasts Galore

Hear the experts...

Assembled by the thoughtful therapists here at Glanton House is a list of a few podcasts from around the web covering a variety of topics that might be interesting to you!

From Ted Talks (via Shauna): What can parents learn from their children?

From AAMFT (via Aubrey): Stop fighting over finances!

From the CDC (via Allen): Keep your kids moving!

From TIME (via Allen): Cancer drugs, marriage, and spanking (all in one)

We hope you all enjoy the wealth of information that these podcasts provide.

Helping Kids Talk About Feelings

Helping kids talk about feelings!

In this podcast, Dr Ellen Abell of Auburn University discusses her work with young children and gives pointers on how parents can help their own kids talk about and express emotions constructively.

Your Own Worst Enemy

Emotions are important, and as therapists, we’re expected to want to know, “How do you feel about that?” However, feelings don’t arrive all by themselves. They are interconnected with our thoughts and our behaviors, too.

Our thoughts are particularly powerful. Thoughts can be uplifting, or they can be poison. I am sure this is true for men as well, but over and over again I hear the poisonous thoughts that women think about themselves. Whether it is a client or a friend, women bully themselves constantly. Thoughts like “I’m not good enough”, “I’m too fat”, or “No man will ever love me” are all too common. Things that we would never allow others to say to us, we tell ourselves everyday. We are so hypercritical of ourselves, and the big kicker is most of these powerful thoughts aren’t even true!

These negative thoughts don’t just cloud our heads from seeing the beauty within, but they actually make us feel terrible. When we think negative things about ourselves, we can feel sad, angry, ashamed, or anxious. If we think positive thoughts, we can feel happy, peaceful, grateful, or content. Think about this: you can receive one of two cards from a friend. One is filled with criticism and disrespect. The other is filled with praise and encouragement. Depending on the card you receive, your feelings could be very different. So why are we constantly giving ourselves the card full of mean remarks? Our thoughts play a role in how we feel, and one way to make ourselves feel better is to start changing the way we think.

Our thoughts also influence our behaviors. Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? This is when we think something will happen and thus create a situation where this prediction can come true. When we think badly about ourselves, we act in a way that reflects our negative view. We behave in ways that confirm our thoughts that we’re not good enough or no one will like us. These negative thoughts also influence the way that we interact with others, making healthy relationships with others a challenge.

What are the thoughts you are telling yourself? We all do it. Take note of what negative thoughts you are thinking and how they influence your emotions and behaviors. Then you need to challenge those thoughts and replace them with positive ones. Be kind to yourself. Apply the “Golden Rule” of treating others the way you want to be treated to the way in which you treat yourself. Of course, this isn’t an easy task. If your thoughts are overwhelmingly negative, you may need to seek additional help from a therapist to challenge and change your self-talk. Don't be your own worst enemy---now is the time to start being your own best friend.

- Shauna