Friend Request

Over and over again, research tells us that social support is important.  Without friends and family to be there for you, life can be depressing.  Personally, I know that without my loved ones, I would be in big trouble.  But is it any kind of social support that will do? Or does quality matter more than quantity? 

In the facebook era, we have lots of quantity.  My last facebook post had 9 likes and 6 comments.  Look at all that social support coming my way! There are at least 15 people who care about my well-being.  But is that enough to really give me all the benefits of social support?  I’m not so sure. 

I don’t want to bash facebook, because I do think it helps people get connected and stay in touch.  However, I believe it is the quality of friendships that provides the most fulfillment rather than the amount of surface friends one has.  With technology today, we can provide the illusion of friendship without the substance.  You have a cardboard cutout of a friend to sit beside you, but they really have no idea what is going on in your life beyond what you post on your wall.  It is the same information that the kid from your 8^th grade science class knows as well, but it gives your friend the affirmation that they are still involved in your life.  Facebook and twitter are much easier than phone calls and visits, and I know I often fall into the trap of going to what is easier rather than what is meaningful.

This leads me to the question, what is a real friend?  I think this is different for every person.  I know someone is a true friend when I can trust them, depend on them, and open up to them without worrying about their judgment.  They are someone who is interested in what is going on in my life, someone who let’s me know that they care, and someone who brings joy into my life—and that I am the same to them, as well.  I know I am not doing my best job at supporting my friend when I am too busy or exhausted to pick up the phone.  I know there are many friendships that I am neglecting, but really do value.

Are you stuck in a virtual friendship?  Are you finding that you know more about your friend from her facebook page than from her face?  Sherry Turkle gives a fresh perspective on the influence of technology on relationships in her TED talk at http://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together.html.  I’m suggesting a new friend request—not on a social media site, but time spent together lifting each other’s spirits.  Friends are about connection, so increase the quality of your connection through encouraging words or a fun time together.  It may take more work or be inconvenient with your schedule, but the opportunity to connect, to support, and to have fun will bring benefits to your mental and physical health in the long run!

Shauna

Hearts & Hammers: Episode 1: You First

We all feel vulnerable sometimes in relationships.  This little cartoon short is funny yet poignant, I think.  Why do we sometimes hold back from our partners?  At times, do we become angry and hurtful towards our loved ones?  Underlying feelings of insecurity, pain, and fear can cause us to act in ways that actually harm our relationships, despite our best wishes.

Call the Auburn University Marriage and Family Therapy Center today for an appointment.  One of our therapists can help get you and your partner back on track.

Don’t forget to take care of YOU!

People often seek marriage / family therapy because there is something troubling them about their current relationship situation. Whether it is an unfaithful partner, a willful child, or intrusive in-laws (or ALL of the above), one thing is certain: it hurts us. All of these situations count as stressors. What happens when we get stressed out? We get sick! Numerous studies have pointed toward a link between relationship quality and physical health. But how is this possible?

One way that this happens is through the continual activation of our body’s stress-response system – namely, the HPA (Hypothalamic-Pituitary Adrenal) Axis. The HPA Axis is what regulates the release of the hormone cortisol. Cortisol helps mobilize energy in the body for a situation that may be challenging. This sounds like a good thing, right? One casualty during this process, however, is the immune system. When the HPA Axis is chronically in overdrive due to the amount of stress we experience, our immune system becomes chronically suppressed. Low immune system, more sickness.

So, what do we do about this? Certainly, seeking family therapy is definitely one helpful component in reducing stress. However, it might be easy to forget that it is just as necessary to take care of our own bodies during this process. Stress is not just psychological – it is physiological, too. Therefore, we need to take care to ensure that our bodies are not falling to pieces when we get stressed out. Take a walk. Instead of the donut at breakfast, take the banana. Get a massage after work (or on your lunch break!) – research suggests that massages can help reduce cortisol levels.

All in all, don’t forget that whatever relationship problem you might be experiencing, you’re always doing yourself a favor by giving yourself some special care.